“I’m not an ambi-turner!”

I can’t turn left.

Seriously. Whenever I have to get in the left hand turn lane, a huge wave of panic sets in and I get in this total freak out mode where I consider doing totally irrational things like hurling chinese throwing stars at people. If I had any chinese throwing stars.

It’s not so much that I can’t turn left. It’s just that I get so worked up about actually doing it. There’s so much timing and judging of distance and other such things that have to do with driving that I am not good at involved. I’m always worried that the person behind me is sitting in their car watching me hesitate at and yelling at me that four freaking cars could have gone already. And so I’m constantly looking in my rearview mirror to make sure they haven’t gone from making obscene gestures to getting out of their car and walking towards me with some sort of large smashing object. Like a baseball bat. Or a leprechaun.

And that causes me to miss primo turning opportunities. Which then makes me even more anxious that maybe the person behind me is fed up with my being a pansy. So then I think, maybe I should just go. And the light will turn yellow. And then I don’t know if I should go or not. So I usually end up gunning it. But then the light turns red and I was the only one who got to go and I look like a total jerk to all those people making the “L for Love” sign at me.

So I normally avoid all left hand turns. Maybe it’s my OCD. But if I know I have to turn left, I either A) keep going til I find a light with a turn arrow or B) drive in circles til I end up near where I want to be without having to ever turn left. Option B has led to many an accidental trip to Target. Option B is getting expensive.

But today. Today I didn’t realize the arrow light was out until it was too late.

Today I turned left.

Derek Zoolander eat your heart out.