If you follow me on twitter or facebook or instagram (obviously I have a social media problem) then this week you got real time updates of the saga that occurred between me and a bottle of self tanning lotion. If, unlike me, you are not addicted to the internet, I shall now commence to update you on what you missed via status updates:
- I am going to get a spray tan for photos next week. Please educate me about spray tans so that I don’t look ridiculous. #noskincancerforme
- I’m having someone spray it on me. I don’t trust booths. I saw that episode of FRIENDS and I don’t want to end up looking like Ross Gellar. #mississippily
- I had to switch our photos so I canceled the spray tan & tried a new self tanner. I AM GLITTERING LIKE A VAMPIRE. What the heck, L’Oreal?!
- I look like Snookie #selftanner
I have two different color legs. Also, this angle looks like I am wearing a sack cloth. Which would be appropriate as there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth (photo evidence)
- PSA: If your child (who has a tendency to sweat) falls asleep on your shoulder, your self tan WILL transfer itself to HER FACE. #worstselftannerever
I would like to tell you that I am a self tanning professional. If there were Olympics for self tanning, I would definitely be standing on a podium holding a medal while someone plays The Star Spangled Banner triumphantly in the background. After a rocky start with a bottle of Bath & Body Works self tanner in high school, I have persevered, trained, studied and have come out on the other side as a champion of self tanning. People study my techniques. Probably they’ll name one after me in the 2012 summer games.
I tell you all of this to say: it’s not me. The store was out of my trusty, tried and true self tanner so I used something new.
In conclusion, I am not a fan of the Illuminating L’Oreal Sublime Bronze with bronzer.
Sublime it is not, y’all.
And pouring half a bottle of “illuminating” powder into it doesn’t distract anyone from how crappy this self tanner is, L’Oreal. It just says “Look at that girl. She tried to cover up that terrible self tan with glitter.” That face that I am sparkling is practically encouraging people to look at my terrible self tan. That’s just hateful.
And okay, it works on my sister, but she is already tan. Also, who makes self-tanner for people who are already tan? It’s people like me, the lost member of the Cullen family, that need self tanner. The ones who cause traffic accidents in the summer time because the sunlight reflecting off of their pure white legs strikes blind those unfortunate souls who happen to drive past us on the days we say “screw it!” and wear shorts. Where’s the justice?!
ETA: For those who asked, my tried and true brand is Neutrogena’s Instant Bronze for the FACE except I use it on my whole body. I heard Kristin Chenoweth say the exact same thing on Ellen so that totally validates me. Also, if you know Kirstin Chenoweth, please ask her where she located said tanner. Thanks.