I spent the week cleaning out my worthy-of-it’s-own-show-series-on-Hoarders basement because it’s getting a makeover. Y’all. I found so many things down there. I found five dollars and eighty seven cents and four forever stamps. And then I felt old because I was way more excited about finding the stamps than the actual cash money. Because stamps are expensive, yo.
Remember when you had to lick stamps? I would really enjoy it if we all agreed to go back to that. I loved licking stamps. When I was a little girl it was my job to stamp the church bulletins, back before these fun sucking things called “postage machines” and even though I had one of those little sponge squeezer water bottles I did not use it. Oh no I did not. I licked every one of those suckers because I really cared about the flock. You’re welcome, Saint Andrew’s Lutheran Church. You. Are. Welcome. Especially because I’m not even Lutheran. My grandmother just worked at your church and pawned the bulletin stamping off on me.
Anyhow, I am purging about 90% of my scrapbooking supplies. Not because I don’t love scrapbooking. Because I found approximately forty two unopened packs of rub-ons circa 2005. That is a problem. I used to be a big vintage-style scrapbooker but that doesn’t work for me anymore so I packaged up my stash and put it all in my etsy shop for five bucks. Feel free to buy it. Because a dollar makes me holla.
I know. I can’t believe I just said that either. I completely understand if you feel the need to judge me right now. If it redeems me at all, I did not watch Honey Boo Boo’s new show. But that might be because I don’t have cable. I’m really cheap like that.
Because I spent one hundred and forty two hours clearing out the basement, I had a ton of extra boxes to put out with our recycling. This is because when we moved into this house nearly three years ago, we got tired of unpacking and just tossed all of the moving boxes in the basement and said we’d deal with it later. And be “we” I mean me. Also, I uncovered three pieces of china, one of Jeff’s missing tool sets and a clown in our so-called-unpacked-boxes. Andplusalso, I’m not even lying about the clown. Boxes? DEALT WITH. I totally keep my word.
So I called the trash company because I remember them saying that I needed to do that if I had more than five boxes and I had five boxes plus one batrillion. Twenty minutes into my conversation with customer service agent I’m no further along in my quest to convince her that yes they do deliver to me. Yes, I’m sure. How am I sure? Because I can see your trash can in my driveway. What color is it? It’s grey, obviously.
Turns out, their trash cans are green. And also, just because a trash company starts their name with “Waste” does not necessarily mean they are YOUR trash company. Apparently that’s a pretty popular word in the waste disposal industry. Who knew?
I finally get the correct trash company on the phone and I remember why I hate them and keep meaning to switch companies. I should probably call back the green can company because that lady was really patient with me. I’m sure she’d love to have me as a new customer because I was not at all annoying in our previous conversation. Plus, I like the color green.
For one thing, they tell me AGAIN that I have a three dollar late fee. I’m all “Lady you don’t even know me. I do not get late fees. And also, I’m enrolled in online auto-pay so there’s that.” To which I’m informed that my late fee is because I haven’t paid the paper statement charge. Which I haven’t. Because I don’t get paper statements. BECAUSE I’M ENROLLED IN ONLINE AUTO-PAY. Then to add insult to injury, my trash company wants to charge me fifty cents PER BOX to recycle every additional box over five. I do some quick math in my head and I could be a bit off because of my inability to add, subtract, multiply or divide but I guesttimate that this will cost me about half a batrillion dollars.
I can’t not even process this in my head and not just because big numbers give me a migraine. But because of my affliction called “being thrifty.” I mean, the only reason I’m even getting rid of these boxes is because I promised Jeff that I would NOT attempt to make the world’s largest cardboard box fort. He totally doesn’t understand how that could make me a Pinterest super star. I’m like “Jeff. We could make a box fort as big as our house. We could LIVE IN IT and not have to pay our mortgage anymore and then we could afford to pay the trash company to take all of the boxes away.”
No one understands me.
About Kayla Aimee
At the risk of being considered a web-stalker, I think I love you!
This was an awesome post. Primarily because I got to spend $5 and get some of your vintage basement stash, but also because I laughed out loud about the batrillion boxes and the waste lady and the green vs. gray trash cans… And I like to laugh out loud. It starts my day on the right foot.
Thanks for that, KA!
I have a hoard of boxes too right now, the fort is an awesome idea, but I’m saving them to attempt an enormous game of Angry Birds for my son’s 5th birthday party. So, not only do I still have a huge stash of boxes, but I’m going to spray paint many of them…and THEN I have to find a way to get rid of them and not pay a huge extra fee!
Keep the boxes. For my birthday when I was four or five my dad made me a cardboard fort the size of our basement. I was in heaven. It had windows and archways and I could color on it. I bet Scarlette would enjoy it. It cheap entertainment.
Seriously! I despise trash companies. Our town no longer recycles, and they limit the trash to one can per week. No wonder people have become hoarders! =) So we drive 3,000 miles to drop off our recycling, and I’m quite thankful we don’t have to pay for it.
Maybe you could set out boxes at each of your neighbor’s houses in order to avoid the recycling charge. Or start your own recycling company! =)
Suggestion 1: Set out 5 boxes per week until Scarlette is in high school. Or (Suggestion 2) wrap every Christmas gift in a huge moving box, not matter what the gift. Earrings for your sister? Yeah, they’re in there, rolling around inside a huge moving box. Use all of the vintage scrap stuff that doesn’t sell to decorate the boxes and save on wrapping paper. Or possibly (Suggestion 3), put ‘em on Craig’s list–someone has got to be moving who would love your boxes. Advertise them as bedbug free and people will flock to your door to get them.
That is an excellent idea! Maybe there is another hoarder who is moving!
Um I think we could totally be best friends if we didn’t live all the way across the country from one another. You seriously crack me up!!! And our daughters are only 7 days apart in age so I very much get your toddler stories!
Thank you!!!
Jan C is correct! Put them on Craig’s List. Someone will be moving and wondering what happened to the days when you could go behind any store and get boxes out of their trash. I’ve given and received boxes on Craig’s List. Great way to recycle. Kudos on your cleanout! Always a good feeling to accomplish one of those “I will, really, I will” kind of tasks
I love the voice in your writing. I taught school for about a thousand years. Your writing reminds me of all the Junie B. Jones books that I hope you’ll read to your daughter when she is about 5. Keep up the good work…you make my day! I especially like to hear the progress of Scarlette since we had a litle preemie grandson in Nashville about the same time. It’s neat to compare their progress.
hahaha! this is an awesome post, Kayla. i hope you figured out getting rid of the boxes!
Hey Kayla, take them to the recycling center. It is not far from you at all. Of course they are only open certain days of the week but they do not charge to take them. That is if you can fit them in your vehicle to get them there.
The last time you took Scarlette to the supermarket are you absolutely certain that she didn’t sneak some sweets into the trolley which are full of artificial colours/flavours/preservatives and you’ve just eaten the whole packet?!?!?!?!
Hilarious post Kayla, loved reading every word!!
Ellie Maggie x