The thing about having PCOS is that your cycle is never regular. I just started this blog post with way too much information. Still, if you have any symptoms that might be related to pregnancy and you have PCOS, you are most likely going to decide to pee on a stick because though the possibility of pregnancy is small, it’s really just best to get the wondering out of the way.
This is why I found myself digging an emergency pregnancy test out of the bathroom drawer, just for the peace of mind. I didn’t really entertain the idea that I might actually be pregnant because if that were the case then I could only assume that either some sort of mass-failure had occurred on a very wide scale or that the Lord had decided I was a worthy candidate of immaculate conception. After many lengthy discussions with my doctors, everyone is in agreement that we keep our family to three and thus, the chance of conception is pretty darn low around these parts.
Which is precisely why when two pink lines immediately showed up on a pregnancy test, I promptly freaked the heckfire out.
I bundled Scarlette into the car and drove to the nearest drugstore, where I purchased one of each type of pregnancy test they had in hopes that somehow the one I had just taken was faulty. Note: it is a very, very weird feeling to go from years of infertility and tears shed over negative pregnancy tests to sobbing at the sight of a positive one.
The lady at the counter patted my shoulder as I sniffled my way through checking out. “I’m so sorry that I can’t stop crying, probably that is because I am pregnant.” I told her through my tears.
At home two more tests read NOT PREGNANT and NEGATIVE and I laid them all out on the counter trying to decide which one of these little buggers were telling me the truth. (I want the truth! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!) The First Response test detected pregnancy the earliest and was positive but both of the Clear Blues were negative. I was all “THIS IS NOT A GAME OF MAGIC 8 BALL, TESTS!”
Then I looked at the tests again. A certain toddler’s obsession with Sesame Street has made me quite adept at recognizing when one of these things is not like the other and as I peered at the three tests lined up on the counter I realized that the First Response Test was missing the key code.
And also that it said Fertility Test on it.
And after some googling I learned that IT WASN’T EVEN A PREGNANCY TEST AT ALL.
And that apparently, all of these so called “Fertility Tests” have two lines on them, which is ridiculous because everyone knows that two lines are the universal way of saying “You’re Pregnant!”
I was all “How did this get in my bathroom drawer?!” when, upon further googling, I discovered that apparently, First Response included these fertility tests which look exactly like pregnancy tests as “bonus tests” in boxes of pregnancy tests.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE MARKETING PLAN, FIRST RESPONSE!
I remember that when I bought the last package of tests it said “Includes Bonus Test!” and that is probably why I bought it, because of how I love free stuff, but I never paid any attention to the fact that said bonus test wasn’t a pregnancy test at all because who would ever even notice that? And also because of how it looks exactly like a pregnancy test. Andplusalso because of my tendency to discard cardboard boxes immediately and dump out their contents in a drawer.
Then I felt a bit stupid because it very clearly says “Fertility Test” on the stick but I just assumed that was a fancy way of saying pregnancy test. It’s been a really long time since I’ve taken one of these due to the aforementioned decision to take many precautions against getting knocked up and having another baby that is smaller than a shoe.
In my defense, my best friend also did not notice that it said “Fertility Test” in the picture I sent her of the stick with two very pink lines via text message so obviously these things need to be A) reprinted to say something like “THIS IS NOT A PREGNANCY TEST” and B) NOT BE INCLUDED IN PACKAGES OF PREGNANCY TESTS.
(Dear future users of Google, frantically searching for information on pregnancy tests, you are welcome my friends. You. Are. Welcome.)