So remember how I can’t swim because I am almost thirty years old and haven’t overcome this little thing called A RIDICULOUSLY ENORMOUS FEAR OF WATER? Right. That is the story of why I am signing up for swimming lessons.
Probably you are wondering why my husband doesn’t teach me to swim and the answer to that question is that we tried. It didn’t work out. Jeff says it’s because I clung to his neck screaming “DON’T LET ME GO! DON’T LET ME GO!” the entire time but I will neither confirm nor deny that statement. Just kidding. I’ll confirm it. That’s totally how that shiznit went down. In the shallow end.
But I went a gave birth to a child and I’m now in charge of really important things like HER ENTIRE LIFE. That means that probably if I want her to have a healthy relationship with water (and I do since it covers like 90% of our planet and thus she will most likely encounter large bodies of it at many points in her life) I need to teach her things like water safety. Mainly: how to get out of the water if you fall into it.
I can’t do that because if you tossed me in a large body of water right this very minute, I would flounder about and then sink to the bottom because I have no skills at swimming.
That is assuming that you could GET me in the water though. I am AMAZING at clinging to people who don’t know that I can’t swim and think it would be funny to toss me in a pool. Ask every single guy who went on our church youth retreat circa 1998. Actually, just ask that one guy who tried it and then found a tiny little Kayla Aimee wrapped around his neck screaming like a banshee in a voice so terrified and shrill that the entire beach ran over to see who was killing one thousand rabbits by the swimming pool.
That was a great day. It made me really popular with all the boys and no one didn’t want to date me because word spread that I was a complete whackadoo. And Aaron Samuels* totally didn’t throw a chair at me on purpose when someone told him that I had a crush on him. Just kidding. He totally did. My awkward stage lasted a really long time, y’all.
So my two year old is getting signed up for swimming lessons. And so am I. Because until she learns to swim, I am never going to feel comfortable taking her near any sort of water deeper than my ankles knowing that I could not save her if she fell in. Oh, I would jump in after her. But I would be useless to both of us once I was actually in said water and that is a terrible thing to fear as a mother.
And that is why I decided to look up swimming lessons online at our local aquatic center.
The first adult class listed was for 18+ and the description noted that it was for people who had a fear of water to learn the basics. I mean, it literally included the phrase “introduction to deep water.” And I felt reassured like, THERE ARE OTHERS LIKE ME. THEY CREATED A WHOLE CLASS FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME. I AM NOT ALONE!
I have not felt that accepted since the day I became friends with my BFF, who would later become Prom Queen, thus ensuring that boys would begin speaking to me. Granted, they were all just asking me to set them up with my best friend (even the ones that I was dating YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) but they weren’t throwing chairs at my head anymore and that was something.
At least, until I read the name of the class was “ADULT BABIES.”
And then I was all “YOU DON’T HAVE TO INSULT ME, AQUATIC CENTER. I’m totally AWARE that I am a baby about this whole water issue. Have you ever heard of a little thing called FACING YOUR FEARS? Because I like to call that FLIPPIN HEROIC. People write whole books about things like that. In fact, I’m going to write a book. It will be called JUST KEEP SWIMMING. (If Disney allows it. Ellen DeGenerous can write the forward.) And it will detail my brave attempt at learning to swim for my daughter so that I can be a responsible parent even though I’m so afraid of water that I can’t even fully enjoy a bath. And my bathtub has JETS. And it will be so moving that it will sell more copies than Eat, Pray Love and someone will want to turn it into a movie and people will be inspired to do brave things, like climb Mount Everest or…
Oh.
It’s called Adult BASICS.
Well, that makes more sense.
(I’d still like to request that an Olsen Twin portray me in the movie. Or failing that, Emma Roberts.)
(After writing this, I had no idea which category to put it in and then I was all “Oh right, I have an entire space dedicated to my neurosis.”)
(*Name slightly changed to protect THE GUY WHO THREW A CHAIR AT ME. I am such a good person because that totally does not even deserve anonymity, yo.)
About Kayla Aimee
You are very brave and also hilarious. Such a loving project. You can do this!!
You survived the trials of a micro preemie…you can totally learn to swim!
That is what I will tell myself!
I took swimming lessons at the Y twice. Passed each time but if you ask me today if I can swim, I’d have to say no. I have nowhere to practice. And it’s not like riding a bike in that I’m still afraid of water even though my report card says I can swim. The funniest (well, maybe not really) part of all this is that I have a lakefront home – NO, I’m not swimming in a lake with seaweed and fish and boats and gasoline… AND I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE boats and cruising. But I’m afraid of swimming. Hubby swears if it came down to saving my life or someone else’s I’d probably do okay. Wish I was that sure. Future plans include a house with a pool or a neighbor with a pool so I can practice…
ohhh, I wonder if the Y would be cheaper?! I’m going to look into that! I could never live on a lake. It would freak me the heckfire out!
I turned 30 this past november and this past summer I took my 1st swimming lessons for a month. I did private lessons since I didn’t want to feel like a total idiot by being in beginning lessons with 5 yr. olds. No lie. The ironic part is that I was born and raised in Puerto Rico. I’m in no way comfortable in the water still. Hubs and I are going to the Bahamas in two weeks and I did a practice packing run to make sure my life vest fit in the suit case.
So brave! How did you like them- I would like to do private ones too honestly!
The 1st lesson was me “bobbing” which is putting my head in the water and blowing bubbles. TRAUMATIC! I did an hour once a week for a month. By the 4th week I was swimming to my instructor 40 feet way. I don’t really float forsome reason so I was not able to thread, which means the deep end is still off limits till I can figure the whole threading water thing. Since my daughter was taking her swimming lessons at the beginning of the summer I had to wait for the end of summer to start mine. But I will be returning this summer to take more.
My mother couldn’t swim and she prefaced every trip to the pool with a warning, “don’t go near the deep end, because if you fall in I ain’t saving you”. Then she parked herself in the chair farthest from the water and refused to even look at us children because it terrified her to see us hold our breath underwater. I guess she was relying on the care of strangers if we should ever start to drown. Which may be why we only went to the pool when it was really crowded. This kinda makes her sound like a bad mother so let me add that once I dumped a bucket of cold water on her as she lay in the sun and she chased me around the pool and pushed me in, into the deep end, (no that’s not the part that makes her look good). Before my head was even under she leaped into the pool beside me, I was so shocked that I stopped flailing and said, “but mama, you can’t swim!” Someone else had to drag both of us to the edge, but I will always remember that her first instinct was to come after me.
OMG, you are so funny! Go for it, my uncle started swimming lessons at the age of 60, and now enjoys swimming!
Well that gives me hope!!
I have an GF who never learned to swim as a child. She tried Y lessons and they refunded her money
She did take private lessons and learned to swim/not be terrified. Her DD is a great swimmer though. Don’t give up.
My family swims like fish, several of us were lifeguards in our teens. I believe it is abuse not to teach children to swim. As they hit their teens, fear of not fitting in takes over from fear of water can take over. Learning to float and paddle it plenty – no need to master multiple strokes.
You Can Do IT!!!!!
My great-aunts never learned to swim, because my great-grandmother didn’t believe it was appropriate for girls. My youngest great-aunt is only a few years older than my mom, so this made a big impression on me when I was growing up. *What do you mean I can’t get in the water if no other adults are around, isn’t Aunt So-and-So an adult?* I think what you’re doing is brave and fantastic. It’s great that your daughter is the inspiration for your latest mission to tackle water and swimming, but it’s also great for you!
OH, name slightly changed? So does that mean Aaron Samuels w/O the asterisk? LOL This is a great post. You reeled me in hook, line, and sinker (a little water reference there… okay FISHING refernce, but close enough). Best of luck in your endeaver. You are da bomb… I mean… DA MOM!!!
lol! Love the water reference! Aaron Samuels is the name of the hot guy in the movie Mean Girls but one of those names is correct
Love the mean girls reference… and can I just say thank you… you make me laugh from the middle of me and out loud and that is just a wonderful thing!
How nice that they give the class such an understanding title! A year after I graduated college my two roommates and I took swimming lessons. One had a traumatic water experience as a child and never learned to swim, the other knew just a little more, and I had never learned to dive and definitely wouldn’t consider myself a confident swimmer. And since all our friends had fun swimming at each others’ apartment complexes, we figured we’d like some skills to join in the fun. None of our local pools knew what to do with adults, so finally one of them allowed us to do private lessons. The poor instructor (a high school student) had never taught adults before and wasn’t sure what to do with us. And our class was the same time as all the evening child classes. We were just sure that after classes the parents would say to their kids, “See, that’s why you have to keep doing this. You don’t want to end up like one of those girls, do you?” At least by the end of it all three of us could dive in and swim a straight line across the pool!
Oh that is a great story! Yes, I am really nervous about people watching me. On the other hand, in the pool with no makeup on, they might just all assume that I am a child
I enjoy every second of your neurosis – just wanted you to know that …
on a serious note: good luck with the swimming – I know you will do just fine!
ME TOO! I grew up in a beach town, spent years and years ON the beach, then moved to another beach town as an adult….and you won’t even find me ankle-deep in the ocean. I’m terrified! My 3 year old started swim lessons about a year ago, and I was having major anxiety over something happening to him IN the lesson. See, I’m crazier than you
But it has been the best thing that ever happened to both of us. He is a calm, self-confident swimmer. He LOVES the water. And it helps that I am not in the water with him, because otherwise he would sense my fear. I still watch from the sidelines and want to puke every time he jumps in with his teacher though. Now you, taking the even bigger step of having lessons yourself….that is incredibly admirable. And wonderful for both you and your daughter. And something that I am not brave enough to do. So YAY for brave you!
First of all you are hilarious as usual. Second of all you are totally brave to face your fear. I did that this year too when I finally started to drive again. (I live in a big city as you know so I never had much use for a car and so had like no practice driving since I left high school behind.) Now I am awesome at driving (according to me) and I am like, OH we need milk? I shall drive to the store like champion! and Ryan is all, the store is across the street that would be ridiculous. Third of all, I also had a boy throw a chair at my head in middle school.