I am headed to the Allume conference in Greenville, South Carolina in October and so I am playing along in a fun link-up called “10 Things Your Roomie Should Know About You.” This is my contribution, otherwise titled “Reasons People Call Me Neurotic” or “Good Ways To Frighten Off Potential Future Friends”
1.) I will sincerely try not to use all of the hot water but it’s been so long since I’ve had a shower by myself, without the addition of a person under three feet tall trying to shave my legs for me with a foam alphabet letter as I attempt to wash my hair, that I really am unsure if I am ever going to even make it out of the shower to attend the actual conference.
2.) I don’t know how to use hotel room keys. I do not know why this is but I have a sneaking suspicion there is some sort of conspiracy going on among hoteliers. The last time I stayed in a hotel I stood outside of my room for approximately seven minutes (not spent in heaven) as I tried unsuccessfully to finagle the little card in the scanner. A young boy of about nine years of age walked by, stopped, and asked me if I needed help with my key. “Um…” I stammered as he took my card from me, swiped it, popped the door open and then smiled charmingly and told me that technology could be tricky before he sauntered off, his Justin Beiber hair flopping behind him. I was all “IS THIS REAL LIFE?!” But basically what I’m trying to say is, that person knocking on the door is me, let me in.
3.) I’ll be bringing my own mini milk frother. I know that’s weird. I also know that I enjoy my coffee best when I can froth my milk. This is what turning thirty has done for me, it’s made me old and crotchety and set in my ways. I might also use the phrase “kids these days.”
4.) I have a two and a half year old and so I am prone to speaking in the collective. I will most likely say things like “We need to go lie down and rest our bodies” or “Well, we need to eat all of our vegetables.” I am not actually attempting to boss you around, it’s just that I’ve forgotten how to speak to adults.
5.) Sometimes when I’m all alone and the house is quiet, I catch myself singing aloud songs from the hit musical numbers of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. Please see #4. “You’ve got to try new foods cause they might taste goo-ood”
6.) I tend to use sweeping, overly grandiose gestures when I talk. It’s very possible that I will knock over someone’s drink.
7.) The last time I roomed with some girls at a conference, I plugged my new curling wand in and then immediately became distracted by conversation. After we all noticed a burning smell, I commented on how terrible the new curling wand smelled and how I hoped that wore off soon. It was then that we noticed that I had placed said curling wand on a plastic binder, which was in the process of melting everywhere like the Wicked Witch of the West. Keep an eye on me, that’s what I’m saying here. Also, please unplug my appliances.
8.) I would rather be hot than cold. It is currently eighty-odd degrees here and I have all of the windows open. The fans are on and I feel perfectly comfortable. I will be bringing my own extra set of blankets for my side of the bed because I enjoy warmth and also because I can’t sleep unless the covers are pulled up to my ears.
9.) I’m actually really fun, I promise. Especially after a cup of coffee. Or a glass of wine. But not after two glasses of wine because then I will be sound asleep.
10.) I was mistaken for a teenage girl twice in the last two weeks. Once by a man who cursed at me in the church parking lot as I left my volunteer shift for the consignment sale where I was selling my child’s clothing. “You got a baby?! You don’t look like you’re old enough to have no baby!” he hollered at me as I loaded the car. I gave him a weary smile and informed him that yes, I was thirty and that I had a two year old. Then he colored the air with curse words and told me to enjoy it. I was a little bit taken aback by the whole exchange.
Earlier in the week my mother and I took Scarlette to a local festival to watch a fireworks show. The grandmotherly lady seated next to us made a remark to my mother about “babies having babies” whereupon my mother informed her that I was not, in fact, a baby. I would have refuted this myself except for that I was across the park getting ice cream from the fro-yo stand, where I was asked on a date by the teenage boy who dipped out my cup of peach yogurt. I thought that maybe I had just turned down a charming local college kid when the festival announcer came over the intercom and thanked the Local High School Marching Band for working the frozen yogurt booth.
So no worries, no one abandoned a random child in your hotel room. It’s just me, before I’ve put my makeup on.
I am so excited to be headed to Allume to take some writing courses and work alongside some of my favorite women in community outreach. Are any of y’all going to be there? If so, let me know because I would love the opportunity to meet some of you in person.
In Remembrance. Today is the anniversary of September 11. I am a part of that generation that is just on the cusp of really remembering, before youth makes the recall cloudy. I was a freshman in college, the memory is vivid enough to I hope my daughter never knows that fear.